Take No Sh*t, Do No Harm

There is a line in Moïra Fowley-Doyle’s 2017 novel, Spellbook Of The Lost And Found, that resonated with me as soon as I read it.  During the story, the main character, Olive, hears from her new friends, Ivy, Hazel and Rowan, the following piece of advice: “Take no shit, but do no harm.” For too many people, if someone presents as calm or kind then it follows that they must also be weak or easy to push around, but for me, there is absolutely no dichotomy to be had here whatsoever, and the quote from the novel above encapsulates my own long-held feelings about how it is indeed possible at all times to both promote peace and refuse to give in to pressures of those who seek to cause harm. As a Headteacher of a secondary school in an area where many are quick to temper and keen to address concerns with either physical or verbal violence, I believe that both myself and my colleagues have a duty to teach about the importance of individuals standing up for their beliefs in a manner that doesn’t look to harm those who think or act differently. Quite often, people who act or speak in an unkind manner are the ones who need the most kindness from us, and if we are able to become masters of our own calmness in even the most difficult of situations (stevenmiles001.wordpress.com/2018/07/18/when-the-sh-goes-down/) then we are more frequently able to notice how the actions of the most enraged and distressed in our communities are communicating a need for responses borne of understanding rather than disdain. In our schools, it is vitally important that our teachers act as role models by fighting fire with water rather than with fire, as further defensive or hot-headed comments will only enflame instead of deescalate the inevitable difficult situations that arise. With upset students, aggressive parents or even angry colleagues, by speaking calmly we seek to do no harm and by stating our own views or insisting that a well-thought out course of action is the only option we take no shit. Stating our needs simply and holding fast to the boundaries that are set is often a difficult skill that can take many of us years to perfect, but this is not only a vital component of an effective leader’s toolbox but also an important skill for any individual in any walk of life. An effective school is one where all members of a community know that all leaders are on the same page in terms of expectations of both student and adult behaviour and that they will not budge from the principles that define the organisation and that lines in the sand can’t be crossed, although if they are this will be met with a calm but firm insistence that behaviour improves immediately – taking no shit, but doing no harm. In many ways, the wonderful (although possibly also a little unpalatable to some!) line from Spellbook Of The Lost And Found could perhaps be described in parenting terms as tough love, meaning that positions are often taken by those in authority that will be unpopular in the short-term but beneficial in the long-term. As both a teacher and parent I frequently find myself cast as the bad guy; that nasty person who just won’t let the other, younger person in the discussion get everything that they want (although this sometimes also occurs with adults!) When this happens, no matter what disrespect comes at me, I refuse to respond with disrespect and make it clear in an intentionally calm manner that sets the tone for how I wish the conversation to continue that I have never been disrespectful to the other person and that I don’t expect to be disrespected now so that we can continue to seek to find a solution to the problem. If you take shit from others, you may be more inclined to give it back to them, but if you stand your ground and refuse to take it, the chances are that you’ll find it so much easier to do no harm to the other person involved in the conflict.

 

The mantra of take no shit, do no harm could also be seen as a modern version of what is often more commonly known in religious circles as The Golden Rule, which manifests in many different teachings as the principle of treating others as you would like them to treat you, or in language more befitting many of the holy books as an ethic of reciprocity. In Christianity, for example, in Matthew 7:12, we can find the following: “What you don’t want done to yourself, don’t do to others,” in Buddhism, in Udanavarga 5:18, the idea is written as “Hurt not others with that which pains yourself” and in Judaism, in Leviticus 19:18, the idea is stated as “Thou shalt Love thy neighbour as thyself.” Similarly, in Islam, in Sukhanan-i-Muhammed Teheran, 1938, we can find “That which you want for yourself, seek for mankind.” In Zoroastrianism, in Shast-na-shayast 13:29, it states that “Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others,” and in Confucianism, in Analect, Yan Yuam 顏淵 it is noted thus: “What you don’t want done to yourself, don’t do to others.” Only Klingons (sorry, I love Star Trek!), with their own “tlhlnganquvDatlchDl’Seng”, which translates as “When you insult a Klingon’s honour, prepare for trouble!” go against what is clearly a common teaching in the moral and spiritual writings of almost all cultures, namely that seeking peace ahead of confrontation even in the face of provocation, wherever possible, leads to a more enlightened state of mind and a more harmonious community than favouring aggressive responses ever will. Trouble is out there for us to uncover in both our personal and professional lives, if we go looking for it, but then so too is peace, and in many ways what we find in front of us is what we put there ourselves. If we promote calmness in our own demeanours and as leaders model in it our organisations, then this is the culture that we will develop. However, if we are tense and anger is the norm for us, then we mustn’t be surprised if this is also the reality for the places where we work. Amongst many other wonderful pieces of guidance in his Leading book, former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson offers the following in regard to managing conflict situations: “When a former player, who is new to management, asks me for advice, I usually tell him not to seek confrontation. Whenever you show up in a new role, it will not be long before you have to face trouble and a clash over something. There is nothing to be gained by stirring it up yourself. Trouble will find you quick enough.” Although difficult moments are an inevitable component of every individual’s life, whether they are managing a world-famous football club (even if it’s not Newcastle United, which we all know are so much bigger than that wee club from the north west!), leading a school or simply being part of a relationship with another person, how we manage those difficult moments is very much a personal choice for all of us. Purposefully doing no harm does not mean that we will be ineffective in our responses (stevenmiles001.wordpress.com/2018/06/20/be-excellent-to-each-other/), but rather that we favour calmness over conflict wherever we can. Looking for trouble and not accepting trouble when it arrives, as it always will, are not the same thing.

 

A key element of not taking any shit from anyone is being firmly convinced of what you believe to be right in the first place. Sir Alex Ferguson, again from his Leading book, writes of the importance of a leader’s inner beliefs thus: “Most people don’t have inner conviction. Their confidence is easily shaken, they blow with the wind and can be plagued with doubts. I cannot imagine how anyone, without firm convictions and deep inner beliefs, can be an effective leader.” In a truly effective organisation, there will be guiding principles in place and they will not be there by accident, and although it is possible for individuals to be flexible in their practices so that all members of a community can be both supported and challenged appropriately, it will never be ok for principles to be anything other than consistently applied. Guiding principles are in place because they reflect the beliefs of either a whole organisation or of its leaders, and it is against this set of clearly communicated expectations that everyone should know how to respond in the tricky moments when taking no shit is important. For an individual, personal beliefs, although they can and often will change organically over time, should also underpin actions, and there needs to be a synchronicity between what a person thinks, says and does; if you believe strongly in non-violence, then don’t be violent or say violent things, for example. Promoting peace, however, could be a dangerous policy if this then leads to an individual becoming passive when confronted with situations that their convictions oppose, which is when the important balance of take no shit but do no harm must be observed. To seek to do no harm but to accept others being harmed will never be ok, and again I see no dichotomy in being kind to but not accepting any unkindness from others, whoever the latter is directed towards. This same point is made by Marshall B. Rosenberg in his excellent (but very short) The Heart Of Social Change, when he points out that we need to “be careful because spirituality can be reactionary if we get people to just be so calm and accepting and loving that they tolerate the dangerous structures.” As our communities, local and global, continue to evolve, our conscious decisions regarding our behaviour towards others need to become more rooted in the ethics of what makes a good person: taking no shit from anyone but doing no harm in return is, to me, a good place to start.