Be Excellent To Each Other

For far too long and by far too many people in our society kindness has been seen as a weakness rather than as a strength. Those in positions of authority, our politicians and leaders, talk frequently of getting tough on something and very rarely indeed of listening to other perspectives, seeking to understand viewpoints or treating with compassion, and this example has filtered down into the areas of our society where kindness should be most prevalent: our schools, disability support offices and centres for anyone who has suffered at the hands of an oppressive overseas regime, to name but some. The starting point for many in our communities is often to treat sick people with cynicism and foreigners with suspicion because to do otherwise would be to appear naïve or to open yourself to accusations of promoting an overly liberal or even pro-terrorist stance. In schools, to deal patiently with troubled youngsters who present with frequently challenging behaviours in pursuit of long-term improvements rather than to quickly remove them from a community where only impeccable behaviour is accepted is seen as an act of leadership suicide by many parents, teachers and even inspectors. Although I would agree that in the short-term the hasty removal of a difficult student can improve the learning of a lesson, this approach simply moves the problem (and the student his/herself) elsewhere and does nothing to improve the longer-term chances of both the individual affected and the society to which they belong. In an article published via https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pieces-mind/201712/the-importance-kindness, Karyn Hall notes that kindness is often viewed as the icing on the cake rather than the principle sign of a strong human being and even notes further that currently in our society “we interpret small acts of random kindness as suspect – as a repressed need to be recognized, as a sign of an overly submissive nature, or even as a symptom of a mental illness.” Clearly, the impact of the tough-talking, capitalist, winner-takes-all political rhetoric of the present global climate has taken its toll on our communities, and, in my opinion, it is very much time to retake the very word kindness as one that has, quite righty, connotations of strength rather than weakness.

 

Schools have always played a vital role in shaping the futures of our communities and we are unlikely to see a change in the current competitive environment that emphasises winning at all costs, even at the expense of others, unless we agree to put kindness at the core of all of our learning communities. The educational landscape of the present, however, has many setting up camp in the no excuses section where punishments for minor infractions and quick exclusions for students who may not help an organisation to climb a league table are more likely to be found. Schools that use restorative approaches to dealing with student behaviour are often viewed as promoting or condoning the very problems that they are trying to improve. Recently, in a moment that was both untypical of the unusually stoic and measured man and, in my opinion, unbefitting of someone in a position of authority and responsibility, Sean Harford, the national director of education for Ofsted, tweeted (https://twitter.com/harfordsean/status/1003940708347207680?lang=en) his disapproval of how restorative approaches could be misused in schools, which could potentially lead even more organisations to abandon such systems in favour of more punitive measures. Restorative approaches to dealing with behaviour choices by students, when done well and applied appropriately, lead to our young people learning to take responsibility for their actions and developing both empathy for those directly affected and an awareness of how their behaviour can impact on others. What I have also seen, particularly in the school where I am currently headteacher and where I set up systems and provisions for supporting behaviour and wellbeing that are based around this very set of principles, is that over time both the students and the teachers develop a kindness that in turns creates a climate where learning and personal growth can take place in a very powerful manner indeed. Again, many leaders in many schools view this approach as an indication of weakness, and some parents have even commented that the use of restorative approaches shows that a school is a soft touch where anyone can get away with anything. As mentioned earlier, acting as if you are getting tough on something is almost always considered the better option, but I would argue that it’s actually more difficult for a school to implement a system based around genuinely teaching about appropriate behaviour choices than it is to simply throw detentions and punishments at a student, and it certainly always takes more effort and courage for a student to develop empathy towards someone who they have wronged than it does for them to be shouted at by an angry adult. Using restorative approaches and putting kindness at the core of a school are an indication of strength rather than weakness, and such systems do not mean the no sanctions free-for-all that many would suggest that they do. Instead, the development of an understanding that all behaviour impacts upon others and that consequences for both positive and negative behaviour are normal components of a functioning society is key to the evolution of a healthy community. It is, of course, so much easier to just punish students for behaviour that steps outside of expected parameters, but this rarely does anything to improve an individual’s future behaviour choices. As noted by Bob Costello, Joshua Wachtel and Ted Wachtel in their hugely influential Restorative Practice Handbook, “When students are punished, they usually see themselves as victims. They dwell on their own feelings and fail to reflect on the harm they have done to others. Sometimes they are forced to offer an apology, but because they have not had a meaningful exchange with those they have impacted, they lack empathy or insight into others’ feelings. Punishment allows offenders to be passive and to avoid real responsibility for what they have done.” Growth, on both a personal and a communal level, happens when mistakes are made, as long as learning is encouraged to take place after each poor decision. To punish or exclude instead of to teach (which, surely, is the whole point of a school) is to remove moments of huge importance in the development of not only the offending individual but also the community to which he/she belongs.

 

The necessary evolution of our society from its current overly competitive, tough-talking state to one where, as favoured in the future parallel universe where everyone’s favourite 80s time travellers Bill Preston and Theodore ‘Ted’ Logan esquire are held in such high esteem, we are being constantly excellent to each other, will require each of us as individuals to first reach a stage where we genuinely value kindness as a strength and use it as a fundamental part of our own interactions with others. If we promote kindness but we don’t actually believe in it, if there isn’t a synchronicity between what we think, what we say and what we do, then the lie that we are living will be found out. Service to others ahead of an individual thinking solely of themselves may seem like a million miles away from where we are now as a society, but it would be defeatist of us to not at least aim to reach this improved condition. The idea that our communities consist of isolated pockets of individuals where everyone needs to look out first and foremost for themselves is preventing us from moving forward as a collective whole, but some simple changes to our individual mindsets can lead us in a more enlightened direction. In our money-led climate, where currency can still be used a form of modern slavery, many would still equate kindness with donating to charity, but this should only be the case if financial wealth is seen to be the sole indication of how a person can be rich. Instead, quite simply, kindness is much more about being mindful of others in your everyday interactions with them and knowing that the world is not simply about you. Before we speak, it is always wise to consider the following guidance that can be found in an old Arab proverb: Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it true? To be kind, especially in a modern world where this trait is often mocked, takes bravery; as noted by Ilana Simons in https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-literary-mind/200908/is-kindness-weakness, “Kindness is one of the highest moralities of human behaviour, because it moves from an infant’s idealism, on to a young-person’s defensiveness, on to a wiser willingness for vulnerability.” Other studies have even suggested that there are health benefits to be found in being kind to others, and Dacher Keltner, director of the Berkeley Social Interaction Laboratory has noted in https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/kindness-emotions-psychology/ that a branch of our nervous system has evolved to support altruistic behaviour and that our bodies function more effectively when we are feeling compassionate towards other members of our communities. In another article (https://www.brainbodybeauty.com/post/compassion-is-a-strength-not-a-weakness) it is also noted that “there are physical benefits to practicing compassion – people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the ageing process, and 23 percent less cortisol, the stress hormone”. Being kind, compassionate and excellent to others does not mean giving in to the demands of everyone else or letting anyone walk all over you, but rather it shows a willingness to listen and to put the needs of either another individual or a community ahead of your own. The development of kindness in our local and global communities is of vital importance in both our survival and evolution as humans, and our current favouritism of acting and talking tough will only get us more of what we’ve always got, namely isolationism, conflict and hate. The idea that nastiness and success go together is a dangerous cancer in our society that we need to eradicate with increasing urgency, and each individual has a role to play in improving the lives of other by simply putting kindness at the heart of who they are.